Despite the fact that I was raised in Closed Adoption, I don't need anyone to tell me I am British.
I just KNOW I am and always have.
When I was in my 20's I was told I looked like an "English model" and I have been obsessed with England since I was 8 years old.
Even to the point, that my idea of fun with a childhood friend was to walk around the center of town and talk with a British accent to see if the adults we spoke to would really believe we were from London.
But hey, we were 10 and 11 years old......
When I was in my 20's I was also raped.
Not the kind of perpetrator climbs through a window and puts a knife to my neck rape.
I knew him.
I was hanging around with him.
And I shouldn't of been because quite bluntly, he was a mean screwed up asshole.
A mean screwed up asshole who liked to drink and take speed.
The latter of which I wasn't aware of before he assaulted me......
I remember him throwing me on his bed and trying to push him off of me and then trying to wiggle my way out from under him.
I remember being furious and terrified at the same time.
I remember screaming outloud when he was biting my breasts and I remember begging him to stop because I couldn't handle the pain.
And I will never forget his arrogant attitude......
And when I finally got away from him an hour later and out of his dark, crappy basement apartment I drove away from that house like a bat out of hell.
Fifteen minutes later though, I pulled over in a parking lot because I was still shaking.
I wasn't far from home.
But I just wanted to sit there.
I lowered my face onto my hands that were clenching the steering wheel.
I shut my eyes that never shed tears because I was still in so much shock.
My chest was stinging, my chest was burning and then I noticed my chest felt all wet.
When I looked down my pretty black sequined sweater that he pushed up and wouldn't let me pull back down, I saw that my chest was also entirely covered with blood.
I have never told too many people about this.
I never went to the police either because I was not feeling good about myself at that time nor feeling very strong and I did not want an Attorney in my face badgering me that I "wanted it".
Because that is exactly what the mean screwed up asshole said to me when I was begging him to stop ripping me apart with his teeth.
Looking back now though, I wish I had gone to the nearest Emergency Room......
20 years later however, one night, just for the hell of it, I Googled my rapist's name and was led to a website where I found out he had been in jail for 3 years.
The charge did not surprise me.
Assault and battery.
Oh HOW HIM.
Of course he wasn't in prison for raping me, yet in my wounded psyche, and in my wounded heart, I told myself at least he had paid for it.
I consoled myself envisioning him in a prison of frustration due to being completely controlled like the prison of submission he had thrown me into......
Which still made me squirm every single time I thought about how he treated me.
I convinced myself that part of his sentence was for how I was victimized......
And I have had to leave it at that, despite the fact that I will hate this man and still wish I had him arrested for all of eternity......
Those feelings were particularly intense one rainy Saturday afternoon when I was watching a movie on Lifetime tv called "Speak".
An incredible film about a high school girl that gets raped the night of a party she was so excited to go to at the end of her 9th grade year.
I felt her wounds the entire two hours and I could relate to how such a violent and infuriating significant event in her life had changed her so much.
She had been an outgoing girl, Melinda, but when she went back to school as a 10th grader, she became isolated and withdrawn, wanting no social life whatsoever.
She would not talk to anyone.
She could not talk to anyone.
And she told no one about what happened to her those four months before.
For the entire school year, until she met with this monster again and let her justified rage out on him....
By fighting back.
And then finally, in the safety of her Mother's arms, she could speak once again.
And began to speak.
About being raped......
I really don't want to make this post a long one.
On Monday morning, when I began to read Daily Mail that I subscribe to to get my fill of UK gossip I, like millions of other people saw the article about Kathleen Hoy Foley's despicable latest stunt towards her wonderful daughter Elaine Penn.
Who I do not know personally but on whose blog I've made a comment or two over the years as I've always liked her posts and because her story broke my heart.
Mail led me to the NY Daily News article about this horrid woman which led to my Twinning's becoming cold and my lemon cranberry scones completely ignored.
I could not eat or drink anything because both articles made my stomach turn.
After a couple of sighs, and a few eye rolls, I braced myself to read the comments.
Much to my surprise however, many of the comments stated that Foley was not raped at all, and that Elaine's Father wanted to marry her and raise Elaine....
And one poster in particular, who I have not heard of before, a woman named Priscilla Sharp, who stated very important facts about this story that should NOT be overlooked.
Kathleen wanted to keep Elaine but her Parents forced her to give her baby away, and they slammed the front door in Elaine's Father's face because he wanted to do the right thing.
I know full well, that any man who rapes a woman wants nothing to do with any poor child conceived from that act.
I mean talk about DNA evidence....
And I also know that there is no way in hell, an organization as corrupt and abusive as Catholic Charities would EVER give any information to an Adoptee about his or her own life.
Kathleen Hoy Foley's accusation stating they did is not only an outright lie, it is an EMBARRASSMENT and that is exactly how she should feel for spewing it.
But the most important thing I know, is that it is not any child's fault how they end up coming into this world.
And be it rape or no rape, no child should EVER be blamed, despised or scapegoated because they came to be.....
I never got pregnant after the mean screwed up asshole forced himself on me.
But I can imagine how I would of felt if I had.
And I do know IF I had, I never would of felt it was the baby's fault.
If anything, I would of felt so sad, that any human being would of been created out of so much hate.
Hate the mean screwed up asshole had towards me.....
For no good reason at all....
I also know as well that NO ONE CAN STALK THEIR OWN MOTHER.
That word does NOT and will NEVER logically apply to this union.
Even in a case of rape.
For the child IS A VICTIM TOO.
And any Mother who fails to see this and instead whores the victim status, the way Kathleen Hoy Foley has, acting in the immature, prima donna, self-centered and attention hogging way that she is, does not deserve any sympathy whatsoever.
And I have absolutely none for her.
Because it is her attitude, one that completely lacks any grace or maturity whatsoever, that Kathleeen Foley has towards her daughter that has hurt her, not Elaine in any way.
Elaine Penn has done nothing wrong.
Elaine did NOT rape her. (If she was really raped at all).
And Elaine deserves as much respect as a human being with feelings as Foley obviously wants for herself which is beyond apparent the way she runs with her poor me agenda which at this point makes her look more like she is a paid off advertising campaign for Closed Adoption then a victim of a barbaric crime.
Which is another reason why Foley still continues to make my stomach turn.
For it is unforgivable how she has perverted her bogus need for silence, which she has now morphed into a duct tape atomic bomb she is now trying to throw at the Open Records Movement.....
And it completely blows my mind that this maniac thinks she even has the right to say she wants Adoption Records to stay closed for ALL Adoptees.
Why, because she says she was raped?
Well, I didn't rape her.
And neither did any other Adoptee.
Yet every Adoptee on earth should be denied their heritage because she did not want to meet her daughter who she claims was conceived from that rape?...
Yes, that is SO logical.
Nauseatingly narcissistic too.....
Why don't we make an equally oppressive law as well, that no man can EVER date a woman because he may rape her.
Hell, let's just make one that states that no man can ever have sex again, because Kathleen Hoy Foley claims she was raped.....
Which in my opinion counteracts all her well planned out hysteria.
PEOPLE WHO BLAME OTHERS FOR WHAT THEY ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVE NO CLASS AT ALL.
This can never be said enough.
They do however have a serious psychological problem that needs to be fixed, so they do not hurt anyone else.
And I just wish this whacky woman would be legally barred from speaking in social media until some way IS found to help her.
In all these years, I have yet to name the mean screwed up asshole who raped me on any social media.
I could type his name out right now if I wanted to.
I could put up 10 blogs about him, go on every male bashing website on the internet and tell the whole world what he did to me, call 15 news stations or write 45 damning comments on the Daily Mail...
But I choose not to.
Because quite frankly, I don't want to go there.
Because it still hurts too much to talk about it.
And I don't need the exhausting drama either.....
For just like Melinda in "Speak", I understand the stillness that overcomes one after a storm cloud has darkened life.
I also know too, that there are many mean people on the internet, and when one does talk about an abuse that has been thrust on them, they are abused even further by letting it all out.
By those who want to hide the evil they have done.
And who never ever wanted their victim to speak out in the first place......